


These Damn Gays (also referred to as the story in which the angry gay falls in love with the red gay and vice versa, but not before they rip each other new assholes first)

by MsGeekNerd, Ultimatum



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteor fic, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-23 03:46:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4861802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsGeekNerd/pseuds/MsGeekNerd, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatum/pseuds/Ultimatum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One gay, two gay, dave, karkat.</p><p>a meteor fic illustrating their years together through pesterlogs and incessant banter</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. hello dave, youre a piece of shit

**Author's Note:**

> lmao sorry this is mostly a self indulgent work by me and my friend

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]   
  
CG: DAVE MOTHER FUCKING STRIDER. I HAVE DEALT WITH YOUR ENDLESS SLURRY OF VAPID BULLSHIT EVER SINCE WE ALL DECIDED COLLECTIVELY TO FUCK OURSELVES RIGHT INTO THE VERY NOOK OF PARADOX SPACE. YES, AS YOUR HIGHLY GRACIOUS AND EVER UNDERSTANDING SUPERIOR, I HAVE PUT UP WITH A VARIETY OF FALACIOUS "IRONY" AND "ILL BEATS" BUT YOU, FUCKMUNCHER, HAVE ARRIVED AT THE LAST METAPHORICAL STRAW.   
CG: I AM CURRENTLY LISTENING TO YOUR FUCKING MUSIC THAT HAS MANAGED TO FIND ITS WAY INTO MY BLOCK THROUGH THE CRUEL, CRUEL WAYS OF THE FORCES IN THE UNIVERSE THAT HAVE MADE CERTAIN THAT MY LIFE BECOME SATAN'S LITERAL ASSHOLE.   
CG: IN SIMPLE WORDS THAT YOUR HORRENDOUSLY INFERIOR THINKPAN MAY BE ABLE TO PROCESS:   
CG: TURN.   
CG: THE FILTH YOU DARE TO CALL MUSIC.   
CG: THE EVERBLEEDING FUCK.   
CG: DOWN.   
TG: you know i find it amusing that youre messaging me like i give two craps   
TG: and here i was thinking that id be lonely for these years on the meteor without your literal walls of text to keep me company   
TG: since yknow you havent even looked at me in the three weeks since we were shoved on this hell rock   
TG: its making me a bit nostalgic of the good ol days where we screamed at each other constantly   
TG: oh what a lonesome existence that must be   
TG: a lonesome and tiring existence with no meaning in it whatsoever   
TG: to never once talk to karkat vantas the literal megaphone of paradox space   
TG: anyway   
TG: heres the thing:   
TG: no   
CG: IM SO FILLED WITH REGRET AT THIS MOMENT.   
CG: IF YOU WERE HERE WITH ME YOU COULD SEE THE OVERWHELMING SENSE OF REGRET PLASTERED ALL OVER MY GOD DAMN FACE.   
CG: I CAN SEE NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT ON OH SO FUCKING MUCH MIGRAINE FUELING CONVERSATIONS IN WHICH I FEEL THE NEED TO REPEATEDLY THROW MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL JUST TO MAKE IT FUCKING STOP.   
CG: DAVE.   
CG: LETS BE BEST FUCKING PALS.   
CG: IT ALL BEGINS RIGHT NOW, THE FRIENDSHIP OF A LIFETIME.   
CG: THEYLL REMEMBER US FOR GENERATIONS TO COME AND REGARD US FONDLY AS THE TWO GREATEST FUCKING "BROS" TO EVER GRACE EXISTENCE.   
CG: THIS AND MORE AWAITS YOU.   
CG: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO   
CG: IS TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC.   
TG: thats a tempting offer youre making   
TG: but you see   
TG: youre annoyed right now and quite frankly   
TG: its fucking hilarious   
TG: so why would i turn it down when i could just sit back and watch you scream like a giant asshole instead   
CG: OKAY. I'M SO FAR DONE WITH BEING NICE.   
CG: I ALLOWED YOU YOUR CHANCE TO CEASE BEING A COMPLETELY INCONSIDERATE BULGEKNOT ABOUT FUCKING EVERYTHING BUT YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.   
CG: IF YOU DON'T TURN DOWN YOUR NUBSUCKING FUCKSWILL, I AM GOING TO PAY YOU A PERSONAL FUCKING VISIT AND OBLITERATE YOUR GOD DAMN DOOR IF I FUCKING HAVE TO AND THEN ILL TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC AFTER RIPPING YOUR POSTURE POLE OUT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING WASTE CHUTE AND THEN PEEL ALL OF YOUR GROSS DISCOLORED FLESH OFF AND HAVE KANAYA SEW IT INTO A SUIT FOR ME TO PARADE AROUND THE METEOR IN.   
CG: THEN AND ONLY THEN   
CG: WILL I FORGIVE YOUR MANGLED CORPSE.   
TG: uh   
TG:   
TG:   
TG:   
TG: im only turning it down because i have a migraine jsyk   
CG: WHATEVER STRIDER JUST KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN.  
carcinoGeneicist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


	2. all aboard the "we hate vriska" train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More self indulgent bullshit. Honestly idk if this is even gonna continue. But yeah it'll only get updated if me and my friend both mutually have too much time on our hands and are feeling like trashy little shits. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many bros could a bro "no homo" until a bro bro homo could  
> that is the question.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


CG: VRISKA HAS GRACIOUSLY ALLOWED ME THE VEXATIOUS TASK OF BOTHERING THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCK HEADS UNTIL YOU GO TO HER PRETENTIOUS STRATEGY MEETING WHERE SHE WILL REPEATEDLY INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND PATRONIZE YOU AS IF SHE WERE CONVERSING WITH A FUCKING WRIGGLER.  
CG: PLEASE DO COME FORTH, BECAUSE WHAT AWAITS YOU THERE IS SO FUCKING WORTH WHILE. MAYBE IF YOU GET THERE EARLY SHE'LL REWARD YOUR THOUGHTFUL CONSIDERATION FOR HER BY PICKING APART ALL OF YOUR DEEPEST INSECURITIES IN FRONT OF YOUR DEAREST PALS.  
CG: BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!  
CG: ACT NOW AND SHE MIGHT MAKE YOU HER PERSONAL FUCKING MESSENGER BOY SO YOU CAN BE DEMOTED TO THE SHIT THAT IS A WASTE OF HER PRECIOUS TIME.  
CG: NOT THAT SHES DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT WITH THAT TIME LIKE TRYING TO KEEP THE TEAM TOGETHER AND GET INVOLVED AND TALK OUT OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS.  
CG: NO, NO, SHE'S USING HER NEW FOUND LEADERSHIP POSITION TO CONDESCEND TO THE REST OF US UNTIL WE'RE ALL GNAWING ON OUR FRONDS OUT OF OUR BLATANT INSANITY.  
CG: BUT I DIGRESS.  
CG: I BEG OF YOU TO COME SUFFER WITH THE REST OF THE REMAINING POPULATION OF EXISTENCE, MINUS A SELECT FEW WHO ARE LUCKY ENOUGH NOT TO BE STUCK IN THIS HELLHOLE WITH LUCIFER BREATHING DOWN THEIR NECKS CONSTANTLY ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING SUPERIORITY COMPLEX SHE HAS.  
TG: why doesnt she just fucking tell me herself rather than sending the ~begrudging messenger troll~ to force me to come to another dumb meeting with literally no relevance to the moment  
TG: we literally have years left on this hunk of ass  
TG: and she forces us to have pointless meetings like every other few days when i have much more "important" things to do  
TG: which is saying a lot because theres nothing. to. do. around. here.  
TG: id rather shred my dick in a cheese grater than go to another one of vriskas infamous gametalk meetings this week  
TG: so yeah  
TG: dave no coming  
TG: dave no show up  
CG: YOU KNOW SHE'S GOING TO MAKE ME DRAG YOUR ASS TO THE MEETING BECAUSE OF YOUR SO CALLED PROPHECY SURROUNDING THE ALMIGHTY TERRIBLE CLUSTERFUCKER.  
CG: I CAN HEAR IT NOW:  
CG: KARKAT GO GET THAT STRIDER KID, HE'S SUUUUUUUUPER IMPOOOOOOOORTANT TO THE PLAN. I NEED HIM TO 8E HERE SO I CAN RU8 IT IN YOUR FACE HOW UNIMPORTANT YOU ARE IN COMPARISON, LIKE YOU ALWAYS WILL 8E. ;;;;;;;;))))))))  
CG: AND THEN I WILL WANDER AROUND WITH NOTHING TO FUCKING DO AND NO ONE TO TALK TO, STUBBORNLY TRYING TO NOT FIND YOU JUST TO SPITE HER UNTIL I REALIZE THAT THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN ACTUALLY DO WITH MY TIME THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN DOING EVERY FUCKING NIGHT OF MY LIFE, SO I'LL END UP FUCKING FOLLOWING HER ORDERS LIKE A BARKBEAST ANYWAYS!  
TG: damn you sound kind of annoyed  
TG: pretty spot on impression you have going on there though  
TG: but id recommend you throw in a few "no one knows what theyre talking a8out 8ut me ;)"s in there too  
TG: i feel like a vital part of what keeps that chick going is her pastime of bashing other people into the ground with sticks to make herself feel like shes not a failure lmao  
TG: however  
TG: im still not going and you cant force me to  
TG: youre just going to have to suffer for my sake  
TG: sorry (kinda)  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T GO.  
CG: I WON'T GO EITHER.  
CG: I'M NOT GOING AND I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE ELSE ABOUT IT AND I'M JUST GOING TO SIT IN MY BLOCK WITH THE LIGHTS OFF IN TOTAL AND COMPLETE DARKNESS AND PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD MAY OR MAY NOT ACTUALLY STILL BE OUT THERE LAUGHING THEIR ASS OFF AT MY MISERY THAT VRISKA WILL DECIDE THAT IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO COME FIND ME BECAUSE. FUCK. THAT. NOISE.  
CG: I SHOULD JUST DEVOLVE INTO AN ENDLESS VOID OF ETERNAL SUFFERING AND HATRED AND WATCH VRISKA TRY TO BOSS ME AROUND THEN.  
CG: SHE CAN SHOVE ALL OF HER BULLSHIT PLANNING AND STRATEGIES UP HER FLAT, DISFIGURED, CHAPPED ASS.  
TG: i guess like  
TG: i know we dont even like each other and stuff and that youre an asshole and im an asshole  
TG: but if you ever want to like hmu so we can scream about how are lives are so unfair and all that melodramatic bs  
TG: feel free to  
TG: because screaming at each other like total pricks is always a good time for every party involved  
TG: a wholesome activity for the whole family  
TG: one that does not include any sort of endless void of suffering and/or vriskas flat disfigured chapped ass  
CG: SO AS IN,  
CG: MUTUAL ASSHOLERY. BACK AND FORTH WITH UTTER NONSENSE ABOUT HOW WE CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE WE'D LIKE SO WE'RE JUST SCREECHING ABOUT HOW MUCH WE SHUDDER AT THE THOUGHT OF THE OTHER'S PATHETIC EXISTENCE?  
TG: stew in a bit of self loathing and existentialism and youve got yourself a deal  
CG: WELL SHIT. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. I GUESS I'LL BOTHER YOU LATER THEN?  
TG: i guess...  
CG: ALRIGHT WELL.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

  



End file.
